Genius at work (aka midnight rantings of a madman)

A week has past since we returned from the Molesworth Muster… we’ve done absolutely no riding but have begun the process of working out exactly what upgrading will be done and what parts will do the job. Thanks to those of you who have either given me some thoughts on parts, links to parts or the parts themselves. For anyone considering tandem mountain biking as a direct result of reading this blog (or due to some significant head injury reducing your overall mental ability), I thought I might toss together some basic introductory thoughts/tips.. 
Warning 1: I’m blind and have only been tandem mountain biking for about 10 weeks! 
Warning 2: I’m a little closer to clinically insane than may be socially normal! 
Warning 3: I am not married to, sleeping with or aiming to sleep with my Captain. 

Tandem riding, from the Stoker’s prospective, can be exhilarating beyond comprehension or terrifying to the point of cardiac arrest. A thrilling descent at 80 kmph can instantly turn into a multi-week stay in your local hospital fracture unit if the tandem “captain” is inattentive, inexperienced, careless or otherwise stupid. I’ve found that, like monkeys, tandem captains fall into many different categories: ** those who are new and willing to try out tandem riding with a friend, cycling buddy or wife/husband/significant other ** Hot Shot Bikers who take their non-biker significant other on Sunday social rides to the coffee house ** Over-achievers who constantly quest for more speed and/or distance ** And, control-freaks. Note: It is of the utmost importance, for the safety of stokers and other single bike riders, that the latter group of potential captains be kept to a minimum! It should be realized that, despite the commonly believed myth, the tandem is actually controlled from the Stoker position. This fact may take weeks or months(or even years in some cases), for captains, onlookers and other groups to realize but it is essential that this fact be accepted! 

Take-off Procedure Note: No rodeo mounts or dismounts are allowed! 
1. The captain is to straddle the bike, carefully as to not chip the paint with their cleat, and stand firmly with legs spread apart to support the tandem in an upright position. 2. The Stoker will then climb on the back, clip-in one or both pedals, and lift the captain’s preferred starting pedal (which should be the same as the preferred starting pedal of the Stoker, if humanly possible). 3. The captain clips into the preferred starting pedal while firmly holding the bike, and, once ready,lets the stoker know they are ready for “liftoff”. 4. The pair then begin the first pedal stroke, -remembering to lift the foot not on a pedal. 5. The Stoker takes charge of maintaining forward propultion whilst the captain attempts to clip in their second pedal. ***Under no circumstances is the pair to try to clip in until the tandem has reached minimum escape velocity*** Note to the inexperienced captain: If a 40 kg, 10-year old Stoker can power a tandem from the back, your stoker can certainly do this for you, so RELAX! 

Stopping Procedure 
Stopping at Traffic Intersections, etc 1. The captain is to shift to a lower (easier) gear or two, depending on the terrain, then gently stop the vehicle – at which time the pair immediately place one foot firmly on the road. 2. Once ready to go, follow Take-off Procedure and shift back to a higher gear, as appropriate. Note: Captains who lean the bike past the critical angle may immediately receive a verbal warning to keep the bike upright. 

Stopping and Dismounting 
1. The captain is to gently stop the vehicle - immediately the pair should place both feet firmly on the road, spread out to support the tandem in an upright position. Note: Forgetting that you are on a tandem and causing the Stoker to fall off the back because you let the bike tilt too far may result in deafness or other personal physical harm. 
2. Once the Stoker dismounts, the captain may dismount by either lifting one leg carefully over the top tube or lift the leg over the Stoker’s handlebar. Remember, no rodeo dismounts are allowed! 

General Riding Behavior 
The captain is not, under any circumstances, to display reckless, dangerous, harmful or otherwise Stoker-threatening riding behavior. Letting go of the handlebar during a descent and yelling, “Look Ma, no hands” will result in immediate remediation. The properly trained captain is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. 

Captains Oath 
On my honor I will swear, against severe penalties
To do my duty to keep my Stoker safe;
To listen to and obey the Stoker at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and to keep the bike upright. 

Paceline Riding with the Tandem and Singles 
Briefly, the tandem(s) must be in front at all times unless there are one or two very strong cooperative “single” riders to help. Single riders are to give the tandem(s) plenty of room and not run them off the road, particularly when descending. Single riders must immediately get out of the way when the tandem announces it is passing on a downhill. Single riders should be patient when climbing hills with tandems, as most tandems do slow down. In a situation where there is a strong headwind, it is easy for single riders to think the paceline is not going fast enough, because they do not have to do any work. However, the tandem at the front is working very hard and if a single rider were in front, the paceline would be much slower. (The single rider will learn this concept on his/her own when he/she breaks out of the paceline and tries to pass the tandem.) 

Descending with the Tandem 
There is no question about the thrill of blowing past all single bikes on a long, banked, descent while riding on a tandem. In fact, the tandem becomes more stable at certain speeds. However, the captain must know the bike’s limitations with respect to braking and handling. Most direct braking control is from the front handlebar brake levers. The distance between the lever and rear brake is at least twice as long as for a single bike, and may lag in response. Tandems, in general, require more time to slow and stop. For long descents where a lot of braking is required, the rims can heat to very high temperatures and cause the tires to blow off the rims. Many tandems are equipped with a rear drum brake or disk brake, which in some instances may be controlled by the Stoker. This allows for auxiliary braking that does not impact the rims and can also relieve the strain on the captain’s hands during the descent. Descent speed and degree of “leaning” depend on the experience and skill of the captain and nerve of the Stoker. If the Stoker makes the command to “slow down”, the captain must comply or risk serious consequences. In emergency situations, the Stoker may employ the “Emergency Braking Procedure”. 

Sudden Flat Tires 
Sudden flat tires on tandems can be extremely serious situations. These are often caused by a “snake bite” pinch after going over a pothole, by riding over a large piece of sharp glass, or(like in our case) due to overheating of the rims. It is imperative that the captain remain calm and steady while attempting to brake, even if it requires riding on the rim. The Stoker should endeavor to stabilize the bike during the stopping process. Once the tandem comes to a stop in the upright position, the Stoker, then the captain, will immediately dismount. The captain is to remain calm and not start swearing while the Stoker assesses the situation. Note: If the bike does not stop in the upright position and the Stoker is thrown off the bike and is lying in the middle of the road, the captain must halt all traffic until the Stoker is safely relocated. 

Off the Saddle Riding 
Off the saddle riding is important to preserve the morale of the Stoker, as tandem riding generally does not allow for as many “butt breaks” as single bike riding. Either the Stoker or the captain may call out “butt break”, the captain then shifts to one or two higher (harder) gears, and then both riders simultaneously stand on the pedals while allowing the tandem to coast. Agreement on the number of pedal strokes prior to standing is generally a good idea; generally one full stroke will suffice. After several seconds, the riders may either sit down and resume pedaling, or pedal while standing. Once seated, the captain should remember to shift back to the lower gear, as appropriate. Off the saddle riding may also be performed during hill climbing. The captain may simply shift to a higher gear, which will signal to the ES that off the saddle riding is to commence. After the agreed-upon full pedal stroke, both riders will stand and continue pedaling. 

Hill Climbing 
Experienced tandem teams that have perfected the technique of “surfing the rollers” will leave most single riders behind. However, as previously mentioned, most tandem teams slow down when climbing long, sustained, hills. It is up to the captain to shift smoothly into the appropriate gear for climbing. Brief “Off the Saddle” periods may be employed, as needed; however, most of the climbing will be done sitting. This is the ideal time for the captain and Stoker to relax and engage in conversation.

Conversation while Riding 
Experienced Stokers, particularly those who are educated and refined, require stimulating conversation on rides. For tandems riding with a group of singles, conversations are usually communal and generally out of control. However, when the Stoker and tandem captain are out on a solo ride, it is up to the captain to participate in a decent conversation. Captains who make totally inappropriate statements such as, “Can’t hear you – too much wind noise” or “Shut up – Can’t you see I’m trying to concentrate” require immediate remediation. Topics may vary depending on the interests of the Stoker and captain. In general, “safe” topics include bike techno talk, weather, scenery, cultural events (music, art, dance, etc.), and gossip about other riders. Unflattering comments about Stoker’s weight or physical appearance, gory details on previous bike crashes, or expressions of general dissatisfaction require immediate remediation. Note: It is expected that the captain, who sits at the front-most position on the tandem and can see things ahead, communicate life-threatening events to theStoker , e.g., “duck for branch”, “bump”, or “brakes are out – jump ship.” In other emergency situations, such as bee stings, animal bites or dismembered Camelbak bite-valves spewing their contents, the captain is to remain calm and quiet until the tandem is brought to a full and complete stop, the Stoker has dismounted, and the bike is placed in a safe and secure location, before uttering any verbal response. 

General Rules (abbreviated list) 
1. Do not crash with the Stoker on the back of the tandem. 
2. Seriously, do not crash with the Stoker on the back. 
3. You’d better not crash with the Stoker on the back ! 
4. To put it another way, keep the tandem in an upright position at all times. 
5. No rodeo mounts or dismounts. 
6. Do not try to pedal during the initial steps in the take off procedure. 
7. Do not clip into the second pedal until the tandem has reached minimum escape velocity. 
8. Do not snag your shorts on the saddle. 
9. Slowly and gently stop the tandem and place feet firmly on the ground. 
10. Do not lean the bike past the Critical Angle. 
11. Do not allow the Stoker to fall of the back of the bike because you let it tilt past the Critical Angle. 
12. Do not chip the paint on the top tube with your cleat. 
13. Do not let go of the handlebar with both hands while riding. 
14. Obey the Stoker at all times. 
15. Be prepared. 
16. Shift before you absolutely need to. 
17. don’t fiddle around with the shift levers. 
18. Do not shift with the wrong lever. 
19. Slow down promptly if the Stoker gives the command. 
20. Let the Stoker yell at singles who violate tandem paceline protocol – you are to remain quiet and in control of the bike. 
21. Do not swear out-loud if a tire goes flat. 
22. Don’t ever make inappropriate comments to the Stoker. You will immediately be “black listed.” 
23. Remember to allow for “butt breaks” to preserve Stoker morale. 
24. Captains are to call out any low hanging branches; ducking without telling the Stoker is subject to severe penalties and loss of captain’s license. 
25. Do not call out stupid, obvious things, such as “shifting”, “braking”, “slowing”, or “standing.” 
26. Brush up on recent cultural and world events before the ride so you can hold up your end of the conversation. 
27. Eat and drink when the Stoker tells you to. And don’t talk back. 
28. Do not lose the tandem when you park it.